Tag: new-beginnings

The scholars and doctors say that it takes roughly 25 days to build a habit, I’m not sure if there is any truth to that but I’m prepared to test it out. We are three days in! I genuinely cannot believe it, I can barely remember what people have said to me five minutes ago so the fact that I am three days in means something. I know it sounds silly and stupid to be proud of three days but I have been happy over less. Today I have been thinking about old friends or I guess I should say ex-friends and what they had done to me that I put up with before they dropped me. And while you are only ever going to hear my side of the story, I urge you to listen to what I have to say and try to understand how I feel. I want to preface this by saying that I take full responsibility of my actions and what I said hurt people. However, I feel as though there was a buildup of tension from the other side of this that honestly could have been resolved with a conversation or two. I spoke to others about the situation people that heard both sides, and they said that it should have been a conversation rather than a case seemingly built against me like it was to be used in a trial or something. Below I will attach a piece that I wrote with no names attached out of respect for the involved party’s privacy. I want the judgement, the questions, the theories all of it, because as a 17 year old it is baffling to me that this even took place after almost seven years. Enjoy and leave your comments and questions down below. I welcome anything that is to be said so don’t worry about coming off in a certain way or being too harsh.

Without further ado…

It has been one day since the incident, I still think about you often. In everything I do, you cross my mind, the tiktoks I once found funny and relatable that I can’t tag you in. The problems I am unable to share because you don’t care. You don’t care, and you never have. Which is something I never thought I would notice. I am never able to tell you what is going on because you don’t care. You never asked, and when I would bring it up it was never respected and it was always “topped” by something worse. I was never allowed to be upset or angry because I was “ungrateful”, “spoiled”, or “attention seeking.” There was only one person allowed to struggle and unfourtantely I was not that person. I am struggling, but you didn’t know that, because you never cared to ask. My room hasn’t been clean in months and not in the way where there are a few dishes and some clothes scattered along the floor; I can barely walk through my room and I am embarassed. I knew you guys would never like me if you knew. So I cleaned at even the mere thought of any of you coming over, knowing deep down you never were going to.  But you never knew this because you never cared. I have been struggling since the beginning of the school year, but you never knew because you never asked, because you never cared. I spent the last of my money to give gifts and get you starbucks on your bad and good days alike. I spent my time trying to cater to your schedule, around your events, around your trips, around you. You never once did the same for me, you never tried to hangout with me, you never tried to include me, you never tried. I brushed it off as if we were both busy and dealing with problems, but what I realize is avoidance and a general lack of care for me, my feelings, and my life. You never care how I am doing, you never care about what I have done, you never care. You say the way I treat you and others was something I thought of as playing, was truly not funny at all. You said that I am a bad person and the way I treat you and others is not ok, but you never asked why. You never tried to understand why I said some of the things I did, because you didn’t want to, you didn’t want me anymore, I no longer serve a purpose so you toss me aside like garbage. You never talked to me when I said these things, never called me out, never even told me that I hurt you or others. Maybe that is how you live life though. Avoiding telling people what bothers you about them so that you can drop them when they no longer serve a purpose. I didn’t serve a purpose anymore, so you dropped me. You never cared to ask me what was wrong, why I was acting a certain way, why I said certain things. Because you had to find a way to drop me, because I no longer served a purpose, not to you, not to the others. I. Didn’t. Serve. A. Purpose. Anymore. I wasn’t useful unless it was for rides or money that you didn’t have at the moment. I didn’t matter, and now thinking back, I never did. You used me through the years until you found something better, something that was not me. I met your mother for the first time at Busch Gardens, where I told you I was so nervous to meet her incase she didn’t like me, where you then told me it wasn’t that big of a deal, and that it didn’t matter. But it did matter, the mother of who I thought was going to be my bestfriend, it mattered. But it never mattered to you because you knew I was never going to be your friend, and definitely not your bestfriend. Well you fooled me, congratulations. I never acknowledged the lack of interest, the use for what I had, or the manipulation you used so that I never caught on to the fact you never liked me. The beach trips, the family events, the friendships formed with your cousins, the way I was treated as a grandchild by Grammy and Pop Pop, and like a daughter by your parents. The late family movie nights, the sleepovers, the football games, the concerts, all of it fooled me into thinking that you liked me. Maybe I was just naive, and wanted a friend so badly that I allowed myself to endure the maltreatment and surface-level conversations, never once truly thinking that you never liked me in the first place. I sacrificed my relationship with my mother to attend the events you invited me to, bending myself backwards just to be in your presence. Never truly listening to my mother when she brought up the fact that I did all of the heavy lifting in our “friendship.” I made excuses for you, my mother and I’s fighting was more often than not caused by an event that you invited me to, or something that you did. Because you never put the same amount of effort into our “friendship” that I did. Because you never saw me that way, as a friend, someone you couldn’t bear losing, someone you wanted to tell the good and bad news to, someone you wanted to be in your corner. Maybe it was because I never fit in with the group that isolated themselves from others, never made the best out of a bad situation, and never wanted to have fun with other people our age just for the sake of senior year. I never wallowed in the bad situations that I endured because I thought I had friends. I figured that I would have friends who would cheer me up, support me, want to help me, and want to be friends with me in the first place. I was wrong and stupid for not seeing it. I never sat in my miserable situations because there was nothing I could do about them, whereas you and the others, that’s all you wanted to do. I would try to think of a bright side and lift spirits ,only to be met with adjectives like “rude”, “inconsiderate”, “spoiled”, and “out of touch.” So I stopped, and focused on other things, support. Support for aspirations, sports, and your family. I asked, I ALWAYS ASKED. Even though you never told me, I ASKED. I tried to be there for you to help with the feelings you faced when your brother went off to college, when your grandparents’ dog passed, and Grammy, Pop Pop, you, and the rest of your family were having a hard time. I tried. Maybe I should have tried harder, but honestly, I don’t think it would have mattered, because you never cared for me, you never cared about me, you never cared. You and the others never cared for me or about me. The number of times I mysteriously “ditched” you guys, because of the awful person I am. Each time you asked someone where I was, I was always in earshot, you never asked her if I was ok, what happened, or if you guys could see me and/ or help. You just wanted to know where I was. Why? I have no clue because things would go black after that, my breathing would grow quick-paced and shallow, and I could never quite hear over my uncontrollable sobs and erratic breathing. But you never cared enough to text me or ask me where I was; instead, each one of you brushed it off as me ditching you guys and disappearing, as though that was normal. I AM STRUGGLING. None of you ever cared enough to even try and help. There were no worried texts or calls. Nothing. I got Nothing. But since I wasn’t important, I didn’t matter. All of my missed school, therapy to deal with all of the problems that none of you knew about, sporadic health appointments, because I never felt right, and the MONTHS of sickness that none of you even bothered to ask me about, and instead I was just deemed as wanting to miss school. I love school, but I don’t love everyone. The people like you and the others who use me and then discard me when I no longer serve a purpose to them. Every sickness made me unable to get out of my bed, unable to eat, shower, or stay awake. But yes, I was “slacking” and just “didn’t want to come to school.” That makes more sense. Some, I’m sure, never liked me, and only tolerated me because I was “friends” with you, but when I think about it, you never liked me either, and you were just better at hiding it. One always attacked me whenever I talked about something that bothered me or that I was upset about, anytime I was even remotely negative, they were always quick to attack me, belittle me, and make me feel less than adequate. You never once said anything, you never came to my defense, you never advocated for me. But I stayed, I drove you anywhere you asked, even if it was at the expense of my plans, freedom, or well-being. I never once asked you for money to cover gas, food, or anything else because the way you and your family treated me, taking me on trips, buying me food and drinks, including me in “family-only” events, and paying for me at said events, was more than enough. I foolishly thought that I was finally lucky enough to find someone who treated me like family. I should have known it was an act and that I was an obligation, dead weight, and a burden to you. You said you cherished our “friendship”, but there is nothing to cherish if there was no friendship in the first place. Because if I were ever truly your friend, you would have talked to me, tried to figure out why I had changed, but maybe I didn’t, maybe I grew tired of the mistreatment, and I began to distance myself because I finally realized none of you ever liked me in the first place. I served a purpose, and now I don’t anymore. I would like to say that I am sad to lose you, but to be truthful, I am not, and I will only miss the way you and the others made me feel. But the way you and the others treated me, hurt me, and did more irreparable damage than I could have ever imagined, and it will take so long to recover from the ways you guys broke me and transformed me into a shell of who I was. I was always too much, too crazy, too loud, I was too everything. But I am glad to have served a purpose, I am glad you were able to use me, I am glad that you got what you needed out of me. You’ve transformed me into a person that neither my parents nor I recognize anymore. So, while I hope your year goes well, I dislike you and the others because of who you have become and the awful person you have forced me to be. 

Have a good afternoon from the future Messy College Girl